The brightest stars are the first to explode. Also hearts. It is important to pay attention to love’s high voltage signs. The mockingbird is really ashamed of its own feeble song lost beneath all those he has to imitate. It’s true, the Carolina Wren caught in the bedroom yesterday died because he stepped on a glue trap and tore his wings off. Maybe we have both fallen through the soul’s thin ice already. Even Ethiopia is splitting off from Africa to become its own continent. Last year it moved 10 feet. This will take a million years. There’s always this nostalgia for the days when Time was so unreal it touched us only like the pale shadow of a hawk. Parmenedes transported himself above the beaten path of the stars to find the real that was beyond time. The words you left are still smoldering like the cigarette left in my ashtray as if it were a dying star. The thin thread of its smoke is caught on the ceiling. When love is threatened, the heart crackles with anger like kindling. It’s lucky we are not like hippos who fling dung at each other with their ridiculously tiny tails. Okay, that’s more than ten things I know. Let’s try twenty five, no, let’s not push it, twenty. How many times have we hurt each other not knowing? Destiny wears her clothes inside out. Each desire is a memory of the future. The past is a fake cloud we’ve pasted to a paper sky. That is why our dreams are the most real thing we possess. My logic here is made of your smells, your thighs, your kiss, your words. I collect stars but have no place to put them. You take my breath away only to give back a purer one. The way you dance creates a new constellation. Off the Thai coast they have discovered a new undersea world with sharks that walk on their fins. In Indonesia, a kangaroo that lives in a tree. Why is the shadow I cast always yours? Okay, let’s say I list 33 things, a solid symbolic number. It’s good to have a plan so we don’t lose ourselves, but then who has taken the ladder out of the hole I’ve dug for myself? How can I revive the things I’ve killed inside you? The real is a sunset over a shanty by the river. The keys that lock the door also open it. When we shut out each other, nothing seems real except the empty caves of our hearts, yet how arrogant to think our problems finally matter when thousands of children are bayoneted in the Congo this year. How incredible to think of those soldiers never having loved. Nothing ever ends. Will this? Byron never knew where his epic, Don Juan, would end and died in the middle of it. The good thing about being dead is that you don’t have to go through all that dying again. You just toast it. See, the real is what the imagination decants. You can be anywhere with the turn of a few words. Some say the feeling of out-of-the-body travel is due to certain short circuits in parts of the brain. That doesn’t matter because I’m still drifting towards you. Inside you are cumulous clouds I could float on all night. The difference is always between what we say we love and what we love. Tonight, for instance, I could drink from the bowl of your belly. It doesn’t matter if our feelings shift like sands beneath the river, there’s still the river. Maybe the real is the way your palms fit against my face, or the way you hold my life inside you until it is nothing at all, the way this plant droops, this flower called Heart’s Bursting Flower, with its beads of red hanging from their delicate threads any breeze might break, any word might shatter, any hurt might crush.

a book i must share

Seriously i really cannot stand the fact that you don’t see your own mistakes and trying to be so ‘guai lan’ now. I wonder why did i even forgive and believed in your stupid promises in the first place.

“I’m not just sad but heart broken… Deep in my heart. I had a reason for everything…”

What bullshit. I really couldn’t tell that you’re sad. For a single bit. A sad person don’t fall asleep so easily. Don’t exaggerate to the extend that you’re heart broken. LOL. You could have prevented all this yet you choose to make the both of us suffer. Okay, since this is what u have chosen, i hope you don’t regret later and start be remorseful and apologetic like previous times.

“I did not ask you to meet me for lunch.. Does not equate to I do not love care n concern for you.”

Yes, it does not equate to “i do not love, care and concern you” because there are many factors to love, care and concern more than just asking me out for a lunch. But ask youself this— how much love, care and concern have you given me? Did you cared that i went to school in a crowded train squeezing with all the smelly and rude people? Did u care about my project group after my class? Did you ever care that i only had 4 hrs of sleep and had to work in the early morning for the next day? It wasnt just the asking me out for lunch but the thoughts that you FAILED to give me.

“I was angry when u said that I do not love care n concern for you… I asked you to meet me for lunch and u rejected. U made me angrier”

What right do you have to be angry? You keep claiming that you love me blah blah blah. Love is to be felt by the receiving party not by your claims. The love that you always claim? I DON’T FEEL IT AT ALL. You can continue telling me about how much you love me and still no action is done— Talk is cheap. And, i was to one who told you to ask me for lunch first. You keep saying you miss me, you miss me a lot, miss me so much. Yet, you didn’t ask me for lunch when you and i know that we’re both free. This is not the first time already. I’ve asked you out for lunch so many times and told you that you should initiate instead in the future. But you never did.

“I decided to not carry on the quarrel so I remained silent and fell asleep.”

Oh really?! Because me thinks that you didn’t even bother so you went to sleep!

“U demanded me to go ur house downstairs, saying no was a very hard decision. At that point of time you mind was only everything my fault.”

Really? No was a very hard decision? Because your hard decision was made within a split second you know? You make hard decisions so fast? Also, at that point of time, i wanted to know if i am that important to you or not. I wanted to see if you were really trying very hard like you always claim. Don’t make it sound like i am a very unreasonable girlfriend please. Trying very hard is coming to my house whenever i have a breakdown or something like that. But have you!? All you have been doing was SLEEP whenever i was crying alone at night. I think not sleeping was a even harder decision for you to make.

“Why? I treat you so nice, bought so many things for you without hesitation”

“I meet you whenever possible, bring you to places you wanted to go…”

Really, thank you for the presents and free rides because buying superficial things is the only thing you can do to make me happy anymore. You’ve lost the ability to show me that you love, care or concern for me for a very long time and buying things, bringing me to places i want to go is the only thing you can do. Plus, you might have over-claim your credits?. “i treat you so nice” So nice is only when i say its nice. Don’t claim extra credit for yourself. Any boyfriend would have done that. It wasn’t so nice at all. It was just part of a relationship, part of a duty of a boyfriend. If you don’t even buy things for me, then sex is the only thing that is holding us together.

“I hope to have simple understanding.. No need to be for me always asking you out. You can suggest having lunch for me…”

I have been initiating for a very very long time already. And i’m really really sick of you not doing your part as a boyfriend. When was the last time you bring me out for a date? When was the last time you planned a date for me?

“You complained about me nt puTting a photo of us on facebook.. But you urself didn’t set a profile pic of us.”

I think you’re just trying to take revenge here. I say about your profile pic, you also want to say me back. Fine. If i never ask you to put a photo of us will you ever put a picture of us? The answer is No. You readily changed to a picture of yourself when i uploaded a yawning pic of you but i have been uploading picture of us since a long time ago and have been doing it very often yet you don’t even change your profile pic! Now you claim that i never upload so you don’t change. If you really wanted to change, you would have changed it. Just like changing it to a yawning pic of yours. Did i ask you to change? No! You did it yourself. Please touch your heart and ask yourself this question— Why didnt you change it to a picture of us?

“You were so ready to break up with me, a day to change status to single. The 2nd to delete me.”

“I will wait patiently for you to return to me. I hope one day you will realise that I really do love care n concern for you.”

“You readily ask money back from me…that’s when I know its hopeless…”

“If everything happened for a reason… What’s e reason for all these nw.. Hai.”

Im glad that i’ve made it clear enough that its hopeless between us. I hope that you know i’ve decided to leave you forever and i really mean it. I’m determined to move on. So don’t get the fat hope that i will be so stupid to return to you. I will not be so stupid to be treated like a dog.

And you want to know the reason behind all these?— i will find a better man and this incident showed me the real you; the guy who is bustard enough to hurt his girlfriend’s feeling, heartless enough to leave his girlfriend crying and crying alone and still deliberately hurting her.

You will regret.

Some jokes to share—

“I will make up to you.. I promise..”
“This time round I will treasure my love deeply and make sure I won’t lose her again.”
“I really love my girlfriend. There is no more doubts that I want to spend my life with her.”
“I just wanna be attached with you together happily.”
“I must really learn how to be a better boyfriend.”
” I will get all means to show that I will change even if it means tattooing the word “change” on my arm to remind me of what I promise. Why do I have such attitude?”
“My attitude whenever I quarrel with my girlfriend which leads to my behavior is not right. I must change my attitude to ensure I will have the right behavior.”
“Change” is what I must achieve. To proof that I will change is what I must do.”

Really glad he’s back. Not because physically but the person who listens to my whining and daily musings, gives me hugs, ensures that i am always home safely and brings me to satisfy my random cravings is also back. feel so much comfortable with him around…

Some hoots from US and Japan from the super sweet boyfriend

xoxo

Norwegian Wood is the favorite song of the female character of the book that im reading now, it is also the tittle of that particular book by Haruki Murakami. Somebody lent me this book and she said with the strongest term that i should read it, its her favorite. so i read it, it has become my favorite book too. I like how detailed and descriptive the author expresses the thoughts of the characters, Naoko and Watanabe, the complete particulars about perception of life and its surroundings, of humans and the depressing aftermath of death of a loved one. The story is slow because the author spoke at length about their emotions and thoughts. i like the part especially on Ami Hostel where Naoko stayed to nurse her depression. I hope the place really exists because i would want to spend some quality solitary time in that perfect place. I love the book so much that i read every sentence slowly and make sure every word sinks into my brain. i re-read the sentences when i cannot picture what the author is trying to express until i can fully grasp the idea.

in my boyfriend’s room today, i read this book while he was studying for his exams. i lied on the chest, he clinged his hands around my shoulders and combed my hair with his fingers. He continued doing it for some time, the room was exceptionally silent (i suddenly realized) and though i was burning to tell him how much i liked this moment together, i kept mum so that this moment would prolong. He finally broke the silence and asked “are u hungry?” (his only concern as always), i replied “shhhhh…” gently and we hugged each other for some time. Then i turned to him and told him about Norwegian Wood, how sad yet ironically beautiful the story is and asked him to read the letter Naoko wrote to Watanabe when she decided to disappear abruptly because the details in the letter were too painfully beautiful. He didn’t appreciate it.

I like how Naoko appreciates silence between humans. In the book, she had a lot of thoughts but she spoke little, she would walk for half a day around the city with Watanabe and never utter a sound but ironically, both of them liked the kind of solitary they were experiencing and i think it is exactly what happened in his room today.

Maybe we should speak lesser.

patient, good tempered, generous, forgiving, loving, caring, warm, giving me your all, fetching me after work, satisfying my food cravings, always there for me, fulfilling my wishes, putting up with my temperamental tantrums. I regret throwing my phone which accidentally hit your leg and hand. i am unable to remove that incident from my mind, i want you to know that i am very sorry, i love you.

There were many times when i thought negative of our relationship, how you didnt fit in, think of all your bad things and start complaining all about it here but when we were so happy and loving, they turn out to be diminishing, i omit such details when we were going off course. Whenever i look back in sadness, these significant moments seem to vanish, and i fail to balance them objectively. Im glad you were so patient with me, i also want you to know that i will change and stop acting in such a childish and erratic manner.

Thursday morning i woke up to a message that you bought an iPad2 for me and i was very happy that you spent such a significant amount of money on me but i was even more touched at what happened later at 2am that night when i went to your house to collect my gift. You went the extra mile to get a jar of biscuits in my favourite charactor, stayed up late despite being so tired to watch me use the gadget and downloaded all the neccessary software to ensure that the iPad was ready to use. I saw nobleness in your acts and i thought i was really blessed to have you as my boyfriend, i want to tell you i want to be with you forever, and i say it in an absolute manner.

I love you not because of the expensive iPad but because i know you are willing to give your all for such a me, you’re the closest i know to happiness, and that love that never dies.

Today i slept for 14 hours. It is considered unusually long because i usually wake up early. I think i was tired. Mentally and physically.

I went to the Airport earlier because i wanted to leave my house. I packed my laptop and read Pride, Prejudice and Zombies on my way there. I nearly forgotten about the book i stopped halfway and picked it up when i left my house because i felt like “going back in time”. I did the homework my English teacher gave at Starbucks. I like Starbucks’s environment, i think it is a nice place to hang out. I spent 3.5hours writing there alone. I found my solitary journey and time to and at the cafe pleasing and happy in a sense and also solace in writing.

Time passed really fast and I did not realise it was already 9pm and my stomach started growling so i quickly finish up my work and went home for dinner. I listened to Chinese love songs on the way back and found them comforting. I liked it. I walked really slowly to the train station and many things went through my mind.

I think i like our ambiguous relationship status. Like i have a boyfriend yet i don’t know if we’re still together kind. It gives me the chance of having the best of both worlds. I thought a lot if we should be together, or not but i still cannot make up my mind. But i am happy with this ambiguous relationship now. I have a lot of time for myself.

I also like the Airport. I cannot explain why but Airport is a happy place. I think it is the trails of happiness from a local going for traveling/honeymoon or a businessman who is home-bound to meet his loved ones that makes the place filled with all the happy vibe. I like happy places.

I was happy today.